


Breathe.

by peachesatmidnight



Category: Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Charmie - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Dark, Panic Attacks, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 11:27:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20599997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachesatmidnight/pseuds/peachesatmidnight
Summary: The pain and pressure of life.Aka. Timmy has a panic attack and only one person can help.





	Breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> So. It's been awhile.  
I recently (like yesterday) lost my job.  
Kind of in a dark place.  
So this happened.  
Sorry?

You. Can't. Breathe. 

You want to. Oh man do you want to. Just take a breath, and then another and another. Just like everything is a-okay. But you can't because it's not. It isn't. And it will never be again. 

The room is spinning and your chest is tight. The pounding in your head is going to drive you to drink. Or it would if you could breathe. Just fucking breathe. 

What was it he taught you? In for 7 out for 7. Or was it 6.. or 8. Fuck can't you do anything right? Even with the perfect fucking roadmap you still managed to get lost as fuck. Way to fucking go you idiot. Shit. Don't say idiot. You are young and learning to balance this. Too bad you can't balance on your own fucking feet. How did the cameras not catch your epic almost fall into the boat. Fucking cameras! at least you could of laughed an almost fall off, you've done it before. Can't laugh off what was caught on the other boat. Fuck! Fucking boats. Fucking Venice. Fucking Italy!! That's where all this shit began isn't it? What 4 years ago? Hell if feels like a lifetime now. 

Breathe. In and out. Fuck like it's that easy. For some it is. Sure. It's like the most natural thing in the world so why the fuck can't you do it? Oh right, because you can't do anything right. Fucking fuck fuckers. You really are an idiot. Don't let them hear you say that no no no. They will just try to soothe you. Tell you it will be alright. It's their job. Literally what they are paid to do. To smile to your face and tell you it will be okay, all the while they laugh behind your back like it wasn't their fucking idea in the first place! Fucking fuckers. Fuck them. Fuck them all.

Except him. Never fuck him. Maybe that's part of the problem? Of course it is. You've known it for years. It's him. Always him. Always has and always will.  
Come. Back. To. Him. But what if you cant? What if this time you have really fucked it all up. You can't. Fuck. Just breathe you idiot. That's what he would want. 

You can't breathe. You can't think. You can't move. You are stuck. Your body has given up on you. Your heart is given up. Your brain has given the fuck up.  
You can't breathe. 

Help. You need help. You need words. You need touch. You need love. You need it more than ever before. But surprise surprise. You are alone. Fucking alone. You can be surrounded by a room full of people yet you are always alone. Fuck. 

The walls are closing in now. Yay. Maybe it will finally be over. Curled up in the dark by yourself. Alone. Like always.  
Hell at least then you wouldn't have to worry about breathing. Why breathe anyway? It's so overrated. This whole. Breathe in and breathe out business. It's just an overrated charade. Just like you. A farce. A charade. A ploy of the business. No one can be that good. That on. That real. All. The. Fucking. Time. It's not real. It's not right. No one knows. None of them. Except. Him.  
Fuck

Alright walls. You can finish closing in any time now. Any fucking time. Just make sure to smile. Smile and wave boys. Smile and wave. That was a favorite wasn't it? At least back then. Back when everything seemed easy. Back before everything else.  
Back before everything. 

It's funny isn't it? How one little thing can stick with you. For hours. For days. For months. For years. One small line. Can stick with you for a lifetime. But people? Nope. They will never stick with you. Some come in for a reason. Some for a season. But they will all leave. And then you are alone again. Fucking. Alone. Again.  
Sure they say they are in it for the long haul but even truckers know that eventually it ends. End of the road. End of the job. End of the moment. End of summer. End of the lifetime. It all ends eventually. 

And you still end up alone and not being able to breathe. 

Just. Fucking. Breathe. For. Fucks. Actual. Sakes. 

Air goes in. Air goes out. How is that so fucking hard to comprehend? Babies do it for fucks sakes. You are worse than a baby. Seriously. That's where you have come from. That's where you will end up. 

You can't do anything for yourself. Yet you have been doing it for years. It should be easy right? Wrong. It's always wrong. You are always wrong. You had everyone fooled. You fooled the world. But more importantly you fooled yourself. Fooled into thinking you were the real deal. You were wise beyond your years. You were a force of nature. A beauty to behold. Fuck you sure fooled them. Because you aren't. Nope. You are nothing. You are an idiot. No. Don't say idiot. Don't even think it because then they will know. He will know. 

And then it happens. Like a sixth fucking sence. You feel the buzz in your pocket. You hear the ringtone you know too well. You can't bare to answer yet you are craving to. You know you have to. You know you will lose this round. Because you always do. No one knows this better than him. He's better than you. He always will be. It's not age. It's not experience. It's just a fact. He would say the same about you. Of course he would.

Buzz again. You can't ignore it. You know it won't stop. One thing you can count on. The buzzing never stops. Neither does the yearning. But that's a story for another day.  
Another time and another place. Where as you are here. Right now.

You know what is going to happen. You know it better than you know yourself.  
You swipe the screen and put the phone to your ear.

"T.?".  
You wipe the tears you didn't realise were there. You open your mouth but the words don't come. 

"T, I know you are there."  
Of course he does. He knows everything. 

"I need you to breathe, please can you do that for me?"  
You would do anything for him and he knows it. 

"Come on now. Listen to the sound of my voice."  
Ahh yes. Your own personal torture device. 

"In for 5. Out for 5. In and out. Come on T. In and out."  
Why is it so easy when he says it?

"Good good. Now keep doing that. Keep breathing for me. In and out. That's all you need to do right now"  
That's all? Really. Like it's that simple?

"Alright. Good T. Keep it up. Relax now. You have got this."  
I am relaxed. 

"I know it's hard. I know you are rolling your eyes. But I'm here. I'm always here"  
Sure you say that now.

"Okay. I need you to do one more thing for me T. Can you do one more thing for me?"  
Of course. Anything. 

"T. I need you to come home."  
Yes. Home.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm told September is national depression awareness month. Here in Canada at least. 
> 
> If you are hurting. Please seek help. 
> 
> The world needs your sparkle.


End file.
